


Day Trip to Port Royale

by CynicalMistrust



Series: Putting the Pieces Back in Their Places [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Innuendo, M/M, Multi, This is complete and utter crack, crabs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 21:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19028485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalMistrust/pseuds/CynicalMistrust
Summary: There were moments, not so few and far between, when Riku wondered if he wouldn't be better off if he'd never saved Sora the handful of times he'd saved Sora's scrawny ass.Like when Sora decided it would be a great idea to teach the others to cook and Axel blew up the kitchen. (Riku's eyebrow was still growing back.)Or the time Sora thought it would be awonderfulidea to try and tame a snake in Agrabah so he could use a flute to mesmerize it. Which, really, Riku would have been okay with, if Sora even knewhow to play the fucking flute.





	Day Trip to Port Royale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alloragamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alloragamer/gifts).



> Crack fic for Alloragamer
> 
> Part of my series cause I used the set up and events from it

There were moments, not so few and far between, when Riku wondered if he wouldn't be better off if he'd never saved Sora the handful of times he'd saved Sora's scrawny ass. 

Like when Sora decided it would be a great idea to teach the others to cook and Axel blew up the kitchen. (Riku's eyebrow was still growing back.) 

Or the time Sora thought it would be a _wonderful_ idea to try and tame a snake in Agrabah so he could use a flute to mesmerize it. Which, really, Riku would have been okay with, if Sora even knew _how to play the fucking flute._

The latest moment was befriending Vanitas, who, granted, had been a passingly decent human being since he and Ventus were given officially separate hearts. But Vanitas had a wicked streak that surfaced sometimes and usually ended up with Sora asking Riku what snow blowing was and if they could try it someplace it was cold. Like Arendale. 

And now, they were at Port Royale. 

Looking for crabs. 

Because Vanitas convinced Sora that he could get crabs with Riku if they had _special fun_ together. 

Riku sighed softly as he walked beside Sora. He couldn't deny this was a nice world, even if the harbor did have a unique smell to it. And Sora was honestly adorable here, with that hat and the dirt smudged on his face. 

Sora looked up at Riku with a grin, hopping lightly on his feet to flick the feather in Riku's hat. "No fair. Your hat is way cooler than mine." 

"That's cause _I'm_ cooler than you," Riku replied, laughing softly as Sora elbowed him. 

"Too bad Kairi didn't want to come. I wanted to get crabs with her, too." 

Riku groaned inwardly, simultaneously impressed and appalled how _dense_ Sora could be when it came to anything and everything even remotely related to sex. Even though the three of them had sex regularly. Even though Kairi made Axel's dirty jokes seem tame. Even though Sora could be so infuriatingly blunt about when he was horny and wanted sex. 

It made him want to protect that innocence even as he wanted to see it crumble and watch realization slowly settle over Sora's face. 

"I'm sure she's horribly disappointed that she's missing out on catching crabs," Riku said dryly. 

Sora squinted at him, elbowing him in the ribs again. "Don't be a jerk." 

Riku pinched Sora's cheek in retaliation. 

"Oh, maybe those ladies over there know where to find them!" Sora said, excitedly pointing to a trio of ladies standing outside one of the buildings. 

A trio of ladies with low-cut dresses showing off ample bosoms. One had a slit all the way up her form-fitting dress, pale flesh visible all the way up past her knee. 

"Sora, wait, I don't-" But it was too late. Sora was already surrounded by the prostitutes and talking animatedly with them. 

One of the ladies lifted a fan, failing to smother a sultry chuckle. 

Riku stifled a groan, reluctantly joining them. 

Sora turned to him with a grin. "They called me _strapping_. Aren't they nice? Not so cool now, are you?" 

"Sora, they're-" he started, jumping as a warm hand landed lightly on his arm. 

"Oh, he brought a friend. Aren't you just _scrumptious_?" the one with the tight dress cooed into Riku's ear. 

Riku fought back a shiver. "Um, Sora, I think we should-" 

One of the two close to Sora tipped her head back with a genuine laugh, completely different from the flirty, sultry one from a few minutes earlier. 

"Adorable." She patted Sora's cheek in a motherly gesture, glancing at Riku and looking him over with interest before glancing between him and Sora. "Oh. Oh dear," she said with a wry twist of her lips. "Lily, unhand the poor boy. He's sly. And has his hands full with this one, I'd wager." 

Riku let out a shaky sigh of relief as Lily released him. "You have no idea," he muttered, moving to stand next to Sora. 

"Anyway, sweetheart," the third continued. "Stay away from the alleys the sun doesn't reach. The pickpockets favor them. And if you're hungry, go to Marlene's bakery, not Dylan's. His wares are twice the price and half the size." 

Riku blinked, falling silent as the ladies gave actual helpful advice. Well, that was surprising. 

"Okay. Thanks for the help!" Sora waved and turned. 

Riku was grateful to have escaped unscathed. But then Sora's Dumbass Gene kicked in and he was turning back around. 

"Oh yeah! I wanted to ask if you knew where we could get crabs?" 

Riku groaned, turning to see the ladies exchanging looks before the one with the fan answered. 

"Well. The beach, of course." 

"Yes, the beach." 

The one in the form-fitting dress coughed and muttered quietly, "Definitely not from a dick in the ass." 

Sora tilted his head in confusion. "What?" 

Panic spiked through Riku's chest. "Okay, I'm hungry. Let's find that bakery." Riku grabbed Sora's arm and pulled. 

"But, Riku-" 

"Oh, look Sora. A crab!" Riku yelled, nearly sobbing in relief as a little white crab skittered across the path. 

Sora ran forward, crouching down to pick it up. He turned it this way and that as he considered it. "What do you have to do with a penis in the butt?" 

Riku rolled his eyes heavensward. He might not believe in any gods, but surely there was some powerful entity out there who'd cursed him. 

 _Fuck it,_ he decided. Sora was too dense to get it anyway. "You get crabs by putting a crabby penis up your ass." 

Sora turned and squinted at him, carefully setting the crab down to go on its way. "That doesn't sound right." 

Riku raised an eyebrow. "But getting crabs by having _special fun_ together does?" 

Sora stood, crossing his arms and tilting his head in that way he did when he was thinking hard on something. "It's more believable than yours," he finally decided, grinning and putting his hands behind his head. 

Riku closed the distance between them. "You're insufferable." 

Sora's grin widened. "But you still love me." 

"Sometimes." Riku leaned closer like he was going to kiss Sora, stopping a breath away. "Food," he said, pulling away and smirking as Sora’s eager expression turned to a pout. 

Sora grabbed Riku's hat and took off with a laugh. 

"Hey!" 


End file.
